Saturday, September 18, 2010

The final end of all the online discussion.

Hello everyone,

This is truly a momentous event and I am pleased to share it with you here.

I am honored to be selected to take this opportunity to reveal to you all the existence of the One True Double-Secret Council of Gorean Ubar Poo-Bahs (and slaves) (heretofore to be known as the [u]OTDSCoGUPBas) a group who, through years of painstaking research costing millions of man-hours and thousands of dollars and hundreds of livers and tens of lives, has come upon the one true answer to the question that has plagued many men and women in Gorean online forums.

That is: "What is the Gorean Lifestyle predicated on?"

In the past, though well-intentioned, many inferior minds have put forth many a vague answer to the question.

We are told that living Gorean is predicated on such things as Honor.
We are told that living Gorean is predicated on such things as Loyalty to the Home Stone.
We are told that living Gorean is predicated on such things as Individuality.
We are told that living Gorean is predicated on such things as Personal Responsibility.
We are even told that living Gorean is predicated on such things as slavery.

While we at OTDSCoGUPBas have no intention of making fun or showing disrespect to those poor intellectually less-fortunate souls who feebly formulated such answers (as we feel the reader can certainly draw their own conclusions about this), we would like to state this, for the record, about that.


And Balderdash.

Living Gorean is not predicated on such things at all. The reason why this is so is so self-evident that at first it baffled and amazed even the great minds at OTDSCoGUPBa. At the end of our Bahamian retreat, we were much clearer about why it was not self-evident to all of you. Let us put the reason before you now. We do so humbly and simply, so simply that even you the reader here can understand. Please concentrate as my lips move.

Were it to be so, were living Gorean predicated on such things as Honor, Loyalty to the Home Stone and Personal Responsibility, it would be in that case very difficult to honestly identify oneself as Gorean online and off, and if it were in practice to become too difficult to identify oneself as being Gorean, then how are we to get any of the women?

No truer words have ever been spoken.

But enough of that. I am sure, after reading this far (and we know you have, for we are watching you even now) you are interested in the findings of the OTDSCoGUPBas. Let us procrastinate no longer. You may, if you wish, take this opportunity to find a seat, loosen any tight clothing you may be wearing and perhaps have a cold compress or two at hand in case of feeling faint.


The one thing that living Gorean in this society is predicated on... hair.

Yes, that's right. Hair.

Think about it. Did not the author call his main hero "Tarl REDHAIR?" Did he not take great pains to describe nearly each and every slave as to her HAIR color? Were not recalcitrant slaves, when a man had no binding fiber handy, oftentimes bound in position by their HAIR?  Ivar Forkbeard was named such, due to his beard. A beard made of HAIR. And are not the Kur, monsters to be sure, described as having HAIR covering most of their bodies?

For these and other reasons far too difficult and complex to be able to describe to you in a manner in which you could grasp their concepts, it is self-evident now that it's not about you, and it certainly is not about slave-flesh.

Living Gorean in this society is predicated upon having full and luxurious hair on one's body. Indeed, one can now be sure that one is speaking to a Gorean, since one can now measure this person's Gorean worth in inches (or millimeters, I suppose, if you are from the continent).

Finally, in answer to two questions which we knew would invariably be sparked by the enormity and sophistication of this announcement, we present the following.

1.) Is there any hair color more Gorean than another?

No. And please do not waste our valuable time in asking such inane questions in the future. However, if truth be told, the fully mature and venerable minds of the OTDSCoGUPBas have come to the conclusion that a brush of grey or a bit of silver on top is an indication of immense potency and incredible virility in a Gorean male.

2.) What about the guys in the nest? In the books, they said that they were hairless. How can that be, they were surely Gorean?

Again, please try to refrain from plaguing us with shallow and infantile questions when, as I have explained, the OTDSCoGUPBas has spent much time and effort in resolving this matter. Were we to deign to reply to such a silly question (and perhaps we would if it were put to us humbly, with complete and utter recognition of our status, and written on the back of a twenty-dollar bill) we might point out that we have journeyed to the Sardar, we have been in the nest, and can assure one and all that no such people exist or have ever existed. The complex is deserted and always was so. If you believed that a conspiracy consisting of a race of giant bugs were responsible for many of the issues plaguing us in our society today, we recommend that you immediately seek out psychiatric help, or lacking the ability to do so, join the nearest branch of The Tea Party.

They will certainly like you there.

Now. That is settled. Everyone can relax. No more endless debate between those who obviously must have worn through several fingertips if we can judge by their prolific postulations. No more arguments about what is Gorean. No more arguments about who is more Gorean. The OTDSCoGUPBas has settled this matter once and for all.

You can all go back to talking about tits and ass now.

Respectfully (as possible),


Who is not a member of the  [u]OTDSCoGPBas[/u] and has absolutely no idea what you are talking about.