This little bit of satire was written several years ago, back when "The Bible Code" foolishness was all the rage. Enjoy. I awoke recently, as I am wont to do at times, and stumbled my way into the living room of my humble abode (I actually visited the bathroom first, but I thought I would skip that part if it is okay with you all?) whereupon I found a strange object resting on the coffee table. It was a box bearing the label GORCODE on it. Inside I found a pile of papers addressed to me, which bore the title "GORdammerung: The Apocalyptic Revelation of the Future of Two Worlds as told in the text of the Gor Novels". As I looked through the box, I turned on the cable and noted that the Bears had again missed the playoffs, Ditka had again gotten himself fired, and that the Cubs had a new manager, so I poured myself a cup of coffee and settled in for a nice session of watching Aussie-rules backgammon on ESPN3.
About a week later, in reaching for some cheese-dip during the Monday Night Football telecast, I again came across the manuscript which one of my friends was now using as a coaster for his beer can. A note attached fluttered to the floor. Almost illegible amidst the beer stains and cheese drips, the note explained that the manuscript had been smuggled at great personal cost onto this world on a voyage of acquisition, and pleaded with me to make the contents of the box known to the whole of the Gorean community here, for their very existence might depend on it.
Then, the second-half of the game started.
The next morning, in washing out the bowl that held the cheese-dip, my slave came across the crusty note stuck to the bottom of the bowl, which she rescued and handed to me, thinking the papers might be important.
I don't know if they are or not, but here it all is.
Me? I am changing the locks on all my doors, tonight.
THE GORCODE (or, Gordammuring it, where did I put my calculator?!)
By Ceasus, he of the Initiates.
As Goreans living in your society, I have watched as you have been accused by some of being several unsavory things; among them misogynists, psychopaths, abuse victims, brainwashers and brainwashees, practicers of black magic, and people who are out of touch with reality. However, it seems that in your world of political-correctness, where the mass of society will swarm and attack those opinions and beliefs are held to be "unpopular", you as a community have been spared one accusation that is flung around pretty freely. You have not as yet been accused of being "of the devil".
I am sorry to say that the luxury of that time is over.
Gor, it seems, is in the midst of a struggle with the devil. Indeed, there is evidence that many things gorean may well already be satanic.
How can one tell? Come, listen as we consider the "facts".
We offer startling proof in the manner of all your good lunatic fringe fundamentalistic formulae – the number of the devil, the mark of the beast – 666. It is in considering this number, and its relationship to gor, that we come to the conclusion that Satan himself may well be battling the Priest-Kings. It is this "GOR CODE", which allows us to see how truly startling the evidence is.
But what is the code?
Taken directly from a fringe fundamentalist published text brought back from earth, the formula is explained as follows: Since the number 666 is of the devil, and the number 6 is so important (as it is repeated three times) we begin our code with the value of 6 for your letter A. From there, we add the value of six for each subsequent letter, thus, making A=6, B=12, C=18, and so on, down to Z= 156.
Thus, your road to hell and damnation is paved with these digits.
The first startling revelation about the true nature of gor comes when the formula is applied to the title of the nineteenth book of the Gor saga: "Kajira of Gor". When we apply the GOR CODE to the title of this book we find:
K=66, A=6, J=60, I=54, R=108, A=6 for a word total of 300
O=90, F=36 for a word total of 126
G=42, O=90, R=108 for a word total of 240
TOTAL 300+126+240 = 666!!!
Yes, that's right: Kajira of Gor = 666. The mark of the DEVIL!
Further, it is proof of the pernicious evil that abounds when you consider that "Kajira of Gor" is the nineteenth book in the series, and that 666 divided by 19 can be rounded up to 36, and that when you add all the numbers between 1 and 36 together, their sum is... 666!!!
You wish further poof? How about if the devil signs his handiwork!
U= 126, B= 12, A=6, R=108 for a word total of 252
O=90, F=36 for a word total of 126
E=30, V=132, I=54, L=72 for a word total of 288
TOTAL 252+126+288 = 666!!!
The devil is the UBAR OF EVIL!!! How brazen is he, to sign his name to his handiwork!!?
You wish still more proof? The phrase TARL CABOT, AR (the name of the protagonist in the novels, and the location where much of his early adventure takes place) adds up to 666!!! Tarl himself, bears the mark of the beast!
The phrase: TARL, GOREAN also adds up to 666!!! Obviously the man we all were told was a simple English instructor hijacked to another planet is in truth a much more sinister presence than we could have imagined!
What else does the GORCODE tell us?
Plenty. How about the end of Gor, and all of you, too?
If you consider the truth hidden in the text of the phrases: END OF SAMOS, END OF VOSK, (both of which add up to 666!!!), then you can see that the devil intends to use his powers to end the series, and with it, both worlds, soon. We see this all explained in the GORCODE phrases: END OF GOR, EHN and ANTI-GOR, EHN (which both add up to 666!!!), in which the dastardly devil even tells us just how quickly he will end the novels and both of our worlds – in a single ehn, and not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh, how foul and terrifying the truth is when we have the tools to discover it!!
The GORCODE gives us some clues about how the devil will destroy Gor. The phrase: ANTI PRIEST KING, KAJIRA adds us to the sum of 1332 (which is, of course, 666!!! multiplied by two to be twice as bad!) tells us that a slave girl will be the downfall of the Priest-Kings!!!
Do you know where your slave girl goes to at night?
Too, consider the phrase: GIRL OF ANTI (which adds up to 666!!!), which indicates that the girl who will bring down the Priest-Kings will belong to the devil, the "anti-Gorean". Also, if you gather the Gorean phrases UBAR, AR, KAJIRA, together, they add up to 666!!! (As does the phrase: SARDAR, KAJIRA!) Any Gorean man can tell you which ONE of those words does not belong with the others, rather it belongs helping the devil!
Obviously, from your planet, the author of the series has tried to fight on the side of righteousness and goodness, as we see that the phrase NORMAN, PRIEST-KINGS (adding up to 1332, also) links the author with those who struggle against the forces of darkness and evil. We can only hope that he, and they are successful. Our very fate may depend on it!
The GORCODE answers some questions many of us have puzzled over for so long. For instance, we might ask why were the books published after the Gor series under the authors name so bad? The GORCODE tells us: ANTI-LANGE SAGA adds up to 666!!! Obviously, this tells us that the devil wrote the Telernian saga, and as such it was not the same man who wrote the Gor books. This bit of proof makes everything much clearer.
Others have asked why, in many actual earth Gorean communities, you men do not greet a slave with the gorean phrase "Tal". The GORCODE shows us why as the phrase: TAL, RED-SILK adds up to 666!!!, it is the mark of the devil! We salute those who, in starting and keeping to this new tradition, follow the path of righteousness and light. You, brave men, may sleep well at night.
Finally, we are told by the GORCODE where the end will come. The phrase: TAL, END OF TARL CABOT, TOR (which adds up to 1332, which we know is TWICE as bad as 666) tells us that the end of the the Tarl Cabot saga will take place in Tor.
Hence, the GORCODE tell us that if new novels are ever published, and the action in them suddenly shifts to Tor, all good Goreans should cease making plans for any more New Years eve parties.
You too, might find other clues about the future in the GORCODE, and I urge you to do so. Perhaps in time, you might discover something that will prevent the forces of evil from destroying both of our planets, and all that we hold dear. You may rest assured that those of the Caste of Initiates are doing all they can on our side to see that this disaster is stopped (If you wish to donate any gold or solid-gold items or precious gems or jewelry to help finance the efforts we are making, you may do so by leaving them on your coffee table overnight. We will find them).
Till next as I have something to report, I wish you well.
Ceasus, he of the Initiates.
[Disclaimer: The preceding text contained elements of irony, satire and general silliness that in no way should be taken seriously in any manner by any member of the reading public, or at least by any of those who have seen fit to come out their basements to see if Y2K has yet destroyed the human race. Read further at your own risk. No animals were harmed in the production of this text. Children under the age of 18 should ask a parents permission before reading this text. Children over the age of 18 should be reading a Second-Life gor message board anyway. You may leave now and don't forget your dice. Your milage may vary. Not to be taken internally. Not applicable in every state. Taxes, title, tires and engine extra. Not to be construed as a solicitation for any purpose, in any state, but if you want to send money, that's okay too. This is not a step. How'm I driving? Call 1-800-blow-me. This has been a public service announcement]